


Arms Wide Open

by Idreamtofdemi



Category: demi lovato simon cowell, dimon
Genre: AU, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-11
Updated: 2015-09-11
Packaged: 2018-04-20 05:45:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4775852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idreamtofdemi/pseuds/Idreamtofdemi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She didn’t push the feeling away, she let it invade her and absorb her like that sadness often did, like that sense of loss that flooded her once in a while did, she let him take over again, take over her soul with endless words he whispered in her ear as she slowly fell asleep in his arms, to wake up there again the following day, inside his embrace, where perhaps she wasn’t doing the right thing but the only place in the world that made her feel that maybe, just maybe, she would survive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One

_**Him** _

He wanted to push himself out of that dreadful mental state in which a person regrets something and then, consequently, regrets all of their lives - or at least their last 20 years- but he could not push himself out of there. He told himself that it was useless to regret things because time could never go back in itself and there was nothing one could do against such devastating force, let alone fight against the horrible monster that had made him want to regret everything in the first place, after all, there’s no use in regretting the things you hadn’t done or said to someone once they’re dead. But he still did, and his efforts in rationalizing the situation made it all even more exhausting. He did after all, go months and even years without calling him, his best friend, his brother at heart, and that was one thing he would always regret, no matter how irrational it may have sounded in his mind.

He stepped into the long walkway of that house he used to know once he had slammed the taxi’s door closed -unusually and unwillingly hard, already making himself all the more awkward- and just stood there for a moment, sweating because it was a lot hotter than he remembered and his suit was very fit and now getting attached to his body with sweat. He fixed the strap of his leather bag over his shoulder and left a hand there, fidgeting the material with his fingers as his mind rushed back to the last time he had been there, when his best friend was still alive and then as he looked ahead to the porch and saw her walking out of the house with her hand covering her mouth, visibly crying, with her dark hair a lot shorter than she used to wear it and her body a lot curvier, he remembered her too, and how the last time he’d seen her he had been a lot less old, and she had been just a child.

He tried to fix himself, both by making his horrible physical appearance a little better and rearranging the neck of his shirt and jacket - though he felt like not much more could be expected of him since he had taken three flights to get there in a period of 20 hours- and also by trying to put his feelings and emotions together in some sort of logical order. If he had to be honest, and as weird as it sounded, he was not used to those emotions, he was a single man who owed nothing to no one and the ones he did owe to he had pushed to the back of his head and moved on with his life. If he were to guess, that young girl that stood there on her house porch sobbing, should be around 25. She had been about 12 when he last saw her, which made it - if he wasn’t too exhausted to calculate- 13 years since he’d been in the States, and it had been that long since he had actually felt something.

Perhaps he had indeed felt things in the last 13 years and he was just exaggerating, but as he stood there, unable to move, he felt as if the mixture of guilt and embarrassment he felt was, over all, the strongest thing he’d felt in a long time. Maybe it was just the mixture of bittersweet emotions of being back in that town he had loved so dearly where his only family in the world lived, or used to, because Eduardo was now dead, and the only reason he was back now in good old Dallas, was because of his funeral, which he was also, too late for.

He took long and slow steps down the walkway and took deep breaths. Eduardo’s family would probably be surprised of him being there, though they had called to let him know of his best friend passing away, he guessed they wouldn’t be expecting him, after all he hadn’t visited in several years and had stopped calling for a few as well so why would they think he’d come when it’s too late? when he is dead, and with him, his connection to the family? but his shameful thoughts were soon dismissed as he heard her call his name loudly, with a bit of sorrow sinking her voice in the wave of emotions she seemed to be trapped in. He looked at her as she rushed down the five steps of the porch and could almost re-live it as if it was yesterday, when she was only a little girl, and would run and jump in his arms every time he went back there.

“Simon!” her voice was exactly the same, though she was a grown woman her voice was intact and so were her short 5’2’’ of stature. This one time she wasn’t giggling on her short shorts and texan boots, she was all in back, barefoot, and with the most agonizing look in the features of her gorgeous face. She did though, jump on his arms making him drop his bag on the grass and open his arms wide before wrapping them around her small frame, letting her adjust her legs around his waist and bury her face on his neck, sobbing like he had never heard her before, and that may have been because  he hadn’t seen her in more than a decade but he knew her father, he knew his best friend very well and she was a daddy’s girl, and for as long as he had been around, Eduardo had made sure that she never shed one tear in vain, and he guessed… that Ed had made sure of that until he lost his last breath.

He held her in his arms and couldn’t move, he just wrapped one arm around her waist and let the other go up to the back of her head, caressing her silky black hair gently as she continued to sob with her face buried in his neck. He couldn’t help it and as she let out a second painfully loud sob the tears filled his eyes and as he felt her hands clutching and gripping and pulling on his clothes he felt all of those emotions take over and the irrational thoughts come back and hit him like a ton of bricks. He had missed his best friend, and as he held onto his daughter, he realized through her desperation and pain, that it was too late and that now, he would miss him forever.

“He’s gone…” she managed to whimper out once she unwrapped her legs from around him and pulled away to look into his eyes. But she didn’t let go of  his clothes, she held onto him tightly as she looked into his eyes with what was more than pain and past mourning, what she was telling him with her eyes felt like a singular devastating feeling only them both knew, and he felt it in his chest; her father had been a man of many friends, but not everyone knew him for the man he really was, and as he held her in his arms he felt like a piece of that man that had saved his life years before was still with him, and maybe there laid the reason why that feeling was there, because she thought he was the only one who knew her father like she did, and as he nodded and cried along with her before pulling her to his chest again, he agreed.

*

**_Her_ **

Her baby had latched and had been nursing for about ten minutes and she was already desperate for her baby to be done. She was fed by bottle but for about two months she had rejected it and gone back to breast feeding. She couldn’t blame her little baby for being upset, she was 18 months old and at only 16 months she had lost one of the main people in her life, practically the most important person she knew so far after her mother; her dad. She was more than empathic with her baby, in two months she had managed to move from her home to her parents’ house to try and give Ruby the best environment she could, which wasn’t alone in their huge house with her mourning mother, and also became extremely good at hiding her pain from the little baby. Demi had found comfort in her parents, the old Dallas house was comfy and it just felt like home more than ever, because the house she shared with her husband, and her baby, wasn’t home anymore.

She had been barely making it for those two months she had lived without her husband but with the comforting hands of her mother on her back and the most loving words coming from her father’s lips she had managed to survive, and then he died. It had been so quick, as fast as a heart breaks, his stopped beating. They call it sudden death but there was no medical explanation for it, he could’ve lived longer, a lot longer, but his heart simply stopped and there was nothing anyone could do to keep him from passing, or as she felt it, to keep him from leaving her.

For a moment she had wanted to laugh, she wanted to crack up and look up to the heavens and tell her dearest god that it had been a good joke but that it wasn’t funny anymore. It had to be a joke, right? losing her husband and her father in less than three months? She was just starting to sleep without crying and then as she went to wake him up he was gone? how was that fair? how could he be dead just like that? He had a loving wife, a 17 year old daughter, a baby granddaughter… he was healthy, he did everything he had to do… but then again so had Joshua, her handsome man, and he didn’t deserve to die without having watched his child walk either… which she did, on his funeral day.

She could be angry, she should be angry with that god her parents had insisted so much that she believed in, because if he was as great of a god as her dad used to tell her then why would that great god take him away from her? What great god takes away a creature’s single breathing source? because it felt, since her father passed two days before, like she couldn’t breathe, and nothing could help her, the pain sat on her chest like the fattest elephant and she could not manage to breathe normally, and when she did, she felt the tears coming and the sobs choking her.

She hated crying in front of her baby, she hated feeling as depressed as she did around her. She was a divine little thing, but she had her grandpa’s beautiful green eyes, and the mere look of her hurt even more. She had been relieved once her husband was gone, that her dad could step in and be that amazing male figure in her baby’s life… that’s one of the reasons she had married Josh in the first place, so her kids would know what a great man looked like, but he was taken from her, too fast, too soon, and now, so had her father.

“Momma” her little girl whimpered against her breast before breaking down in sobs, stretching her arms up for her mom to pull her up to her neck and hug her tightly, rubbing her little back up and down as she buried her face in her mom’s neck, sobbing loudly for reasons she didn’t comprehend which only made her and her mother even more upset.

“I know, I know baby, I’m sorry” she whimpers along her baby as she stands up and rocks her up and down in her arms. She doesn’t know how to comfort her own baby and it’s slowly breaking her inside. She tries to control her breathing and she manages as she cradles her baby in her arms and looks down to her, forcing a sweet smile to take over her lips as her baby’s green orbs focus on her and slowly stops crying and eventually falls asleep in her mom’s arms with a tight grip on her black dress in her little fist. Demi looks down to her plump lips puckering out in a cute pout as she sleeps and smiles through the tears that start to fall silently down her cheeks. She knows she needs to get her shit together soon, for her little baby who has already lost enough in her short life. She needs her mother now, more than ever, and she needs to focus on her baby, and live for her and through her until the day she feels like living for herself again, though it feels like that day will never come.

The thought of living with the pain she carries makes her body hurt and her chest tighten, she is both scared of having to live with it, but also, terrified of the thoughts in her head that tell her to give in, and give up. It’s dark and it’s scary and she had only felt like that once, the day her husband died, but he had been there, her dad, with his green eyes and his warm embrace, he had been able to hold her broken pieces together and assured her that life would go on and that the pain would subside, but now he wasn’t there and no one could help. Her house was filled with relatives that of course talked glorious things about her father, but it bothered her, because none of them knew him really, not like she did. It hurt because he had been the one to help her through everything, with her marriage and with Ruby’s pregnancy, he had been the one to hold her hand and tell her that everything would be okay, and she believed him... every time.

“Demi?” her mother whispered as she entered the room. She was still rocking her baby back and forth but her tears were trapped at the edge of her lids and her lashes. They were threatening to fall once again, and as she looked into her mother’s eyes she couldn’t stand it anymore. She wanted to scream, and run, so she just handed her sleeping daughter to her and ran out of the room, and then out of the house. She ran until she was out and covered her mouth to hold in the sobs. She couldn’t scream, kick or be angry, she loved him too much, she knew that if he could’ve had it his way, her father would’ve never left her… but she wanted to be angry at him.

“You said it would be okay! you said I could do this! I can’t!” she whimpered through clenched teeth as she held onto one of the wooden columns to keep herself from falling. And then she felt her father’s love flooded her heart again, as if calming her, as if the thought of him was healing enough to at least let her breathe. She covered her mouth again and took deep breaths as she focused on the lines of the wooden floor, and when she raised her head again she saw him, and her heart started beating a million times per second.

“Simon!” She screamed feeling her throat burn and her voice crack. But she couldn’t focus on anything other than him being there, she would’ve smiled had her heart not been shattered, and she ran to him, rushed down the steps feeling her heart pumping louder and harder each step she took. She felt like a little girl again, and just like the little girl she had been, she needed her dad’s comfort more than anything, she missed it, and somehow that man she hadn’t seen in years, reminded her of that sort of comfort, so she ran into his arms and jumped on him like she had so many times as a child and wrapped her arms tight around him. She couldn’t help but to sob against his neck and clutch his clothes with her desperate hands.

“He’s gone…” she whimpered as she got her feet back on the floor but still held onto him, too desperate to let go just yet and watched his eyes get glossy as he looked at her nodding. He looked a lot older and something in him felt odd. But she knew he too knew of the man that the world has just lost, and somehow shared her pain, someone finally understood, someone’s embrace finally comforted her helpless soul, and his arms were able to put her pieces back together again, his body stood so strong but at the same time exuded such gentleness… as if he wanted to tell her that it would be okay, and though she thought it impossible, she believed him.

 

 

 


	2. Two

_**Him** _

Guilt had always been a tricky thing for him, though it was rare, because he had made sure he became a man free of those weaknesses. He would either use guilt as a propeller to get rid of whatever situation he was dealing with or end up guilting himself into doing things. Now the thing about letting guilt control you is that you end up doing things you don’t want to do, but as he sat there on his best friend’s living room, he didn’t feel like he was forced to be there, he felt like he wanted to be there, with all of his relatives that remembered him as the young man he had been back in Texas when he was still a good friend to his friends, before he fled the country and drove himself away from the one place he knew as home.

Every single one of Eduardo’s relatives remembered him warmly, and warm were the hugs he received when he entered the house. Diana’s hug was the one that made his heart hurt. Suddenly and out of no where he was back to being the empathetic person he had always been… before he decided to run away from his own heart and go back to Britain. It made his chest tighten to hold in his arms the fragile body of his friend’s widow, just because he had been there to watch them fall in love, and he had been there to see Eduardo make of Diana, the happiest woman on earth, and it hurt because he knew how much she would miss him now, he knew what it felt to be ripped from someone like he had been, after all, he had lost him more than a decade before.

“Here” she whispered as he approached him on one of the couches and handed him a cup of tea. He smiled at her but almost didn’t, because although she flashed him a sweet smile full of white -gapless- front teeth, she still couldn’t help but to sniffle and it hurt to know she had probably been crying for three days straight, and no matter how much she tried, which she visibly did, couldn’t manage to stop her tears from falling. He watched her walk away and then go back in the living room, handing every one of her relatives a cup of tea or coffee. He sipped on his tea, it was regular English tea and it’s flavor gave his body some kind of relief. It was very good tea.

“Hey” he whispered to her as she walked to him and sat by his side with her own cup of coffee. She gave him a weird sort of smile and then sipped on her coffee for a while before turning her head to him and looking at him for a moment. He felt the heat of her body get even heavier as her eyes were locked on the side of his face and turned to face her, mirroring the sweet look she had in her eyes.

“I am so glad you are here” she smiled at him, a lot bigger and a lot more genuinely. He wished he knew what she meant by that but didn’t have the time to think before she reached to hold his free hand with her free one and give his thumb a little squeeze. He squeezes her hand back though he has no idea where all of that is coming from, he has no idea why she makes him feel so warm and so good inside. Maybe it’s because she is the closest thing he has to a family now, but it still feels odd, it’s way too strong to be just because of that, it’s way too big.

“I am glad to be here” he answered and waited for her hand to retrieve but it didn’t, it stayed there warming his as she looked down to their hands. She had a silly smile on her face so he had to lean down his head to see it through the locks of black hair that had fallen shielding her. She looked at him and shook her head biting on her lower lip.

“What?” He asked confused making her shake her head once more and let out a short giggle. He didn’t quite comprehend what his body did when he heard that sound but he chuckled too.

“When I was younger… I had the biggest crush on you… Remember when I said I would marry you?“ she whispered looking into his eyes and then biting on her lower lip when he frowned. He focused on the freckles that sparkled her nose like chocolate on ice cream and chuckled again.

“You were a silly little girl… You were six or so… It was when you found out you couldn’t marry your father ” he smiled before looking down to the hand she still hadn’t let go of. Her face went from filled with good memories to pain again, and he had to sigh at it, suddenly keeping the pain away from her was something he wished he could do, simply because seeing her upset bothered him for all the reasons he still didn’t know nor comprehend.

“I was the happiest child ever… Daddy made sure of that” she muttered before sniffing again and letting go of his hand to wipe her tears.

“You really were happy, and your dad did a great job, and I am sure he would want you to replace him now, and make yourself the happiest you can be” he whispered leaning a bit to the side so she would hear him but not the rest of the room that silently sipped at their coffees.

“It’s not so simple anymore, nothing is as amazing as daddy made me believe. I wish I could go back sometimes… to being that happy girl spying on you guys when you smoked your cigars in the backyard… I think he died thinking I didn’t know he liked his Cuban cigars”

“You were always a silly girl… now you are all grown, where did your little gap go?” he asked as he raised a hand to point at his teeth. She giggled at that memory of him telling her that she was cooler than the other kids because of the gap between her front teeth and shook her head to the sides.

“Sometimes I feel I’m still a silly girl but- then I am reminded I’m not” she smiled as she spoke but was interrupted by a loud and clear -and sweet, he thought, very sweet- ‘momma’ from a far. She raised her head immediately smiling to the little girl that had started to toddle her chubby little legs towards her. Something inside him melted again. Not only was little Demi now, a mother, but her daughter looked like some sort of angel, and she had Eduardo’s eyes, they brightened any dark day, they had the power to do so and she certainly made everyone in the living room smile at her as she ran to her mom on her striped white and blue little dress.

“She reminds me…” she murmured as the little girl reached her legs and patted her lap. He saw her pick her up and watched the baby cling to her mom’s neck shyly looking away from him before she cuddled against her chest and glanced at him.

“Say hi baby” she cooed to her daughter as she kissed her little head. The little girl just looked at him when he smiled and raised a waving hand and looked away.

“My shy baby” Demi cooed as she rearranged the little girl’s dress over her diaper.

“What’s her name?” He asked smiling at the baby that kept looking at him and then looking away as she relaxed on her mother’s arms.

“Ruby” she answered with so much love in her smile it made him feel so warm it was indescribable. He wondered where her husband was and if he was a good man. Then he reassured himself that he must’ve been because Eduardo must have had made sure of it several times before he ever let him even look at her and smiled at the memory of his friend.

“What’s that smile for?” she asked as she made Ruby lay across her lap, letting her cuddle for a good nap she so desperately needed.

“I was remembering your dad” he answered making her smile too and then become quiet as it sank in again, and again every time they remembered him, moments later it would sink in again that he was gone and he was never coming back and it made them both hurt the slightest each time.

“Momma” he heard a little later and watched Ruby kick her legs a bit and pull on the neck of her mom’s shirt. He watched the young mother shush her and keep her hands from her clothes but all she got was an even more upset little girl with green orbs glimmering with crocodile tears.

“Alright, breastfeeding calls” she smiled at him as she stood and walked out of the room while rocking her baby and unbuttoning her dress.

He was left with that ‘warmth’ he would describe. Or not describe at all because he didn’t know where to begin to talk about it. Perhaps the connection between them was still about Eduardo, and maybe the both of them felt the same thing, he thought. Maybe she felt like she had been left alone in the world, like he had been feeling for the past several years but then when they saw each other again and felt that warmth… maybe they weren’t so alone after all, and that was probably what made him want to hold on to her, though he still didn't’ know how to.

“How do you think she’s handling it?” Diana asked as she sat by him and held his hand as well, just like her daughter had but with a different warmth, with a different feeling to it, a lot less alive, a lot more tired, but somewhat strong, stable.

“I think she misses him dearly but, she will be alright” he answered giving her a smile.

“It’s just so much you know” she explained utterly upset about her oldest daughter.

“It’s been very tough on Maddie too, this is her first big loss, but with Demi it’s just too much, I worry for her, she has us but, she’s all alone with her little girl- I had Ed with me through everything and it was still hard… I just wish things would have worked out better for her-”

“Wait- where’s her husband? she is wearing a ring and has the little girl… he’s around right?” he asked confused and somewhat feeling anger build, weirdly, oddly, and in defense of a girl he hadn’t seen in years. It was all too complicated and weird. But then again for him, all emotions were.

“She didn’t tell you? he passed away two months ago… He was in a car accident… He died immediately after the crush… You couldn’t even tell it was him… She was devastated”

He heard the cold news and couldn’t quite process it. It explained why she had some sort of hopelessness in her eyes, but the mourning widow in her didn’t cover her aliveness and he couldn’t fit it in his head, as he watched her walk back in the living room, kneeling down in front of her elderly aunt, holding her hand and smiling at her, comforting her tenderly, he couldn’t understand how, after all of that loss, she had stayed so sweet.

 


	3. Three

_**Her** _

She felt selfish sometimes. For the past three days, since the moment her father passed, she had been crying nonstop. She knew it was bad, she knew everyone looked at her with sad eyes and at times with pity. She knew she was the poor kid that had lost her father, and she certainly had the right to mourn, as much and as loud as she wanted, but sometimes, when she looked into her mother’s sorrowful eyes… she felt guilty because yes she had just lost her father but, her mom had lost her lifelong best friend… the father of her kids and the true joy of her days… she had already taken the time to be the suffering widow and now it was time for her to be strong and lend a shoulder to her mother, like she had done when Joshua passed away two months before… but she just couldn’t help it, the tears fell out of her eyes over and over again… she couldn’t stop.

“I’m so sorry-” she heard him mumble against her mother’s ear as he embraced her in his arms. She didn’t know why but she knew Simon’s hug would mean more to her mom than many others… she knew she’d feel the peacefulness of having him back and then the pain of remembering that Eduardo wasn’t there to see that. It was stupid how much it upset her to see her mom cry in that man’s arms, the image was so heartbreaking, it was as if everyone in the room knew, that the both of them had loved her dad more than the rest had, and over all, that the both of them had known that green eyed man, more than anyone else.

She had to walk past them and rush to the kitchen. She had placed Ruby on her little playpen and she had been happily playing with her toys for a while so the moment she saw her mother walk in the room she squealed and called for her, standing on her chubby little legs and pulling from the top rail. She had to smile at her baby, past the knot of intense memories on her throat, and pick her up, nuzzling her nose on her little neck making her cackle and then place a lingering kiss on her forehead, taking the time to remind herself of breathing… deep long breaths.

“My little angel…” she whispered in her child’s ear as if calling for her real angels, the two most important men in her life, but holding on to the one she had down with her, in her arms, innocently saving her day after day. She took even deeper breaths and let her cuddly baby lay her head on her shoulder as she held her on her hip to start some coffee and tea for everyone, thinking that making herself useful would make her feel better.

She got the cups out, rather slowly because she had only one free hand and then reached for the coffee and tea, and as she glanced over the green box of English breakfast tea she had to smile. She remembered how her dad - and also herself since she took after him on pretty much everything - loved his coffee strong and hot, but not Simon. She had a clear image of herself, being a little girl and waiting by the kitchen counter for her mom to have his tea ready so she could take it to him. She giggled to herself as she looked out from the window that was over the sink in the kitchen, from where she could see their green backyard and the old marble table where her dad and Simon would sit to drink tea and coffee and also smoke their cigars when they thought little Demi was already asleep.

She had had some sort of issue with tea and coffee, she must have been around 4 years old and had a new tea set for her dolls and played with it all day long, having water instead of tea in them and making everyone that walked in have a little cup. She has been upset because her father wouldn’t give in and drink her ‘tea’, he insisted he liked coffee and coffee only and so, he coldn’t drink her doll’s tea, and it bothered her so much she would pout and not look at him for a whole hour, which was an eternity for such a daddy’s girl. The day came that she found out that Simon drank tea, and tea only, and it made her so happy she would excitedly wait for the time in the day that she could bring him his tea on the backyard and have him charge her a kiss on the cheek in exchange.

“Momma!” Ruby giggled as she held her mom’s cheeks on her hands and played with them making her lips look funny and giggling at them. Demi smiled big both because of the memory and because of her cute baby and purposely made even weirder faces to the baby girl.

“Tea for Simon then” she murmured to herself and got some tea for him, English tea. When she was done with most cups she decided to hand him his first so it wouldn’t get mixed with the rest of them but as she turned to walk out her mom walked in with teary eyes again and her heart dropped again.

“Hey mom” she murmured walking to her and handing her Ruby as she knew of her child’s magic powers on her grandma, making her smile immediately as she wrapped her little arms around her neck. Diana smiled up to her daughter as she sat by the kitchen table and sighed.

“Here momma” Demi smiled to her as she handed her a cup of green tea and walked out with Simon’s. She saw him sitting alone on one of the loveseats and handed him his cup with a forced smiled on her face because although she did her best, her mother broke her heart every time she saw her. She knew it would be over and that the mourning would get easier but it had been three days and it was still as bad as the first hour. Heartbreaking.

“Here” she murmured as she handed him his tea and walked back in the kitchen to take back the others and finally, her own. She walked to sit by him and sighed as she felt her tense body relax the slightest as she sipped on her very black and very hot coffee. She had to smile as more memories came to her so she looked at the side of his face intently making him look back at her with a warm smile on his lips that she returned.

“I am so glad you are here” she spoke. But she didn’t even think of what she was saying or of what it meant. It didn’t mean anything other than that she was happy that he had come, she was happy that he was there and not elsewhere, she was happy that he had come and brought along with him a piece of her childhood, and inevitably, a piece of her father, a piece of her heart. She reached for his hand giving his thumb a light squeeze and just left her hand there, comforted by the subtlest warmth of his hand.

“I am glad to be here” he replied still smiling big before sipping on his tea. She couldn’t stop the smile from taking over her lips so she just looked at him and bit on her lower lip to keep her cheeks from warming up, which she failed at, and then shook her head at him. More and more things she remembered.

“What?” he asked confused and laughed at the embarrassed face she knew she had on.

“When I was younger, I had the biggest crush on you… remember when I said I would marry you?” she asked in a whisper before biting on her lower lip again and keep in the giggles that remembering that brought out of her. She had been oh so in love with him, she thought he was the best looking boy ever and wanted to marry him and make him tea all day long, she was five or six, and it was just a little girl’s thing, but she couldn’t forget it for her life. It was a hilarious memory.

“You were a silly little girl… You were six or so… It was when you found out you couldn’t marry your father ” that was true, he was so right and in a sense it explained how her childhood was, how amazed by her dad she had always been and how he had always, always been second best in her life, if she couldn’t marry her father to give her the family her toddler mind wanted then she would marry her Simon… because it had been like that for many years… ‘her ‘ Simon would come visit and it was always something to celebrate.

“I was the happiest child ever… Daddy made sure of that” She murmured as new tears flourished in her eyes, but this time there was no knot and there was no chest pain nor that horrible feeling of desperation. She just couldn’t hold her tears though the memories were good ones, she still felt like he should be there to tell her stories about the crazy things her monkey little self had done, and he wasn’t there and he would never be again and all she could do was wipe her tears.

“You really were happy, and your dad did a great job, and I am sure he would want you to replace him now, and make yourself the happiest you can be” she heard him whisper and looked up to see he had leaned down to say it to her ear. She felt his genuine care towards her in the depth of the words he chose and had to smile at him before looking down to her lap again.

“It’s not so simple anymore; nothing is as amazing as daddy made me believe. I wish I could go back sometimes… to being that happy girl spying on you guys when you smoked your cigars in the backyard… I think he died thinking I didn’t know he liked his Cuban cigars” she had to laugh at that one, and it literally made her happy inside. Her dad had become so innocent in her eyes, always trying to do what is best for her including hiding his imperfections just so she would never assume those were right or accept them as natural because he truly cared about her developing, the only thing he never understood was that she knew of all those little things and never once saw him as any less than the best.

“You were always a silly girl… now you are all grown, where did your little gap go?” she giggled once more at the look on his face. His thick brows were kicked up and she could swear he was making that silly old smirking face he made to her when she whined about being the only kid in the block with a space between her front teeth. He had always comforted her and had made sure she knew that he thought her gap was ‘bloody awesome’ and even if she had to get it closed up to give her molars some space… she had never forgotten what he’d said.

“Sometimes I feel I’m still a silly girl but- then I am reminded I’m not” in the middle of her sentence, as she counted in the innocence she had left, she heard her little baby call for her and then watched her toddle her way through the sea of cooing ladies towards her, slapping her lap when she reached her before lifting her arms up.She held her baby on her arms and let her rest against her chest, smiling as the little one played shy to the man sitting beside them.

“She reminds me…” she sighed out before looking down to her and asking her to say hi, but only got more shyness from the little brunette. Simon asked her name and she smiled as she thought back to it, her father had always liked that name because of a character he had read as a young man but couldn’t name her that because Diana thought it was horrible, so there she went against her mom and with her dad, and convinced Joshua to name her Ruby… and at that moment she had never been so grateful of having named her that.

“What’s that smile for?”  she asked as she fixed her baby across her lap and looked at him, he was smiling with lost eyes. He shook his head to the sides and answered that he was thinking of her dad and she wanted to ask him if he knew of that character her father loved called Ruby because if anyone knew about literature it was him, but something inside her made her keep it an incognito, she liked it that way, whenever she’d meet with her dad again, she’d ask him herself and believing that she would, some day, was both as comforting as it felt delusional.

She tried to smile at him once more but her baby wasn’t having any, her rocking and shushing wasn’t working, she kept pulling on the neck of her dress and kicking her legs around.

“Alright, breastfeeding calls” she sighed out as she stood up cradling her baby on her arms as she started unbuttoning her dress on the front. She turned around a bit as she walked past her mother and saw her sit down next to him, watching her hand reach his and their eyes lock with the most understanding look she had ever witnessed. She smiled and walked out of the house to sit on its wooden swing and let her baby latch. She looked down to her little baby suckling and couldn’t stop thinking about him, and about how great it was that he was there.


	4. Four

_**Him** _

They say you can never really run away from yourself, that no matter how much distance you put between your past and your present, the past will always come back to you, because the past’s already lived and learned, the past is better at it, the past is faster, and fearless, while you are still paralyzing on your fears, and the more you run the harder it gets, to the point where you surrender to it and watch as the past presents itself in front of your eyes, not in recorded sounds or old rusty pictures, but in the flawless green of a familiar backyard or in the melancholic smell of a rainy day.

He wasn’t supposed to like it, he wasn’t supposed to feel welcomed and at home in the situation he had spent the last decade running from, he wasn’t supposed to be glad to be back to the place where he had made the decision to never come back to, he was supposed to feel like a stranger, he was meant to be a stranger in that house, his best friend’s, he was meant to be a stranger to his family, but as the days went by and they spent their afternoons sitting on that old backyard watching Ruby toddle her way around the dogs and the usual cat, he felt more at home than ever, and it was terrifying, because it meant that he had been a stranger back in Britain, where he thought he belonged, where even if mediocrily, he thought he was happy.

“So?” he heard her ask giving him a wide smile but then watched her brows kick together in concern. He realized he hadn’t heard her, and for a second, he felt his heart pump a little too fast, he didn’t want her to ask too many questions, especially one that she now had to repeat and would be expectant of an answer he was almost sure he didn’t have, or didn’t want to give. He didn’t know what was safe to tell her, he didn’t even know what he was doing there, everything was now a big incognito, because he didn’t know what he could do if he went back ‘home’ either.

“Huh?” he managed to blurt out and collect himself from the endless sea of thoughts he was drowning in. He took his head out of the water and looked into her eyes, watching them narrow down and then focused on her pursed lips that pressed themselves into a sweet smile.

“I asked if you had any children, or if you got married, I don’t know, I don’t know much about you anymore” she said, looking down to the grass she was fondling between her fingers as they sat in the middle of that precious impossibly greener backyard he remembered so well. He sighed and looked down as well. He didn’t want to talk about it, he hadn’t talked about it or even thought about it in years. In all, he had been functioning as some sort of past-less machine and now he was back, and it was all back with him, and her, her pale skin and freckles, her plump sweet lips and adoring eyes, she brought it all back as well, for reasons he didn’t know, but she did, and the sweetness that her tiny body exuded made it too hard for him to deny her, of what she wanted to know, of what she somehow, had the right to know.

“I never had any children… I got married a few years after I moved back to England… we lasted two years” he answered shortly, in a sort of mumble that he knew she still managed to hear. He watched her nod her head and giving him half a smile before she went back to pulling on the grass. He sighed again, making her look at him confused. He knew she wasn’t done, he knew she still had questions and he knew she wasn’t one to stop there, god knew her father wasn’t, he was the one that had pushed him to do things while he had let him, and he was grateful for him, but did his daughter have to be an exact replica? with even more exotic eyes and a beautiful tender body to go along with what her willfulness could do to him?

“Did you love her?” he was shocked. He had prepared his mind to hear her ask about who she was and where they’d met, and finally, the dreadful question as of why they had broken up but he never in a million years had expected her to ask if he had loved that woman, but deep down it was both surprising and not surprising at all. In those milliseconds in which he gave it a little thought while focused on the honey sun-like form that wrapped around her pupils, he sort of understood, that the place where all of her tenderness and sweetness came from, was the same place where she had taken that question from, caring about love and love only… it gave him reassurance on what she was about, and it somehow made sense to him, that was exactly how she had stayed so loving after losing so much.

“I think I did but I-” he tried to be honest. And he was pretty honest, he did believe he had loved his ex wife, at some point, somehow, but back then his decisions were blurred by so many different things that he couldn’t actually lay his hand on the left part of his chest and swear that the heart beneath it had throbbed for her like it hadn’t before. He went from looking into her eyes to looking down to the green grass between his legs and had to shake his head to the sides, he didn’t know what to say without actually saying anything, without saying too much.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me” he heard her whisper at the same time as he felt her small hand on top of his on his knee, giving his thumb a little comforting squeeze, making him look at her sweet face while trying to compose himself, from the memories, and from that warmth that she made him feel that grew bigger and heavier, day after day.

“Did you?” he dared to ask as he allowed his thumb to brush off on her hand. She smiled big to look into his eyes with a questioning look on her face. He pursed his lips in a smile and looked ahead, to Ruby tripping over and over again as the dogs got in her way.

“Did you love him very much?” he asked her, but more than an answer he was looking for reassurance, he was certain that whoever he had been, that girl had loved him with all of her heart, and more if possible. He felt her hand retrieve from his and her entire body tense for a second before relaxing again, her shoulders falling down in surrender as she shook her head with what could be considered the saddest smile he had ever witnessed on her pink plump lips.

“My dad used to say I loved him ‘too much’ and maybe I did, but I would never take it back, I am glad I loved him the most I could and that he went away with all the love I could give him with him… I would hate to be sitting here, telling you I didn’t love him hard enough instead… I gave my all, and when I try hard enough to see it that way, it’s comforting, you know?” she had started talking with her eyes fixed on his but ended up locking them with the little girl that erupted in giggles when one of the dogs managed to lick her face from bottom to top. He admired the peace with which she was talking about the late love of her life. He was almost jealous of it, and envious of that feeling she was talking about, one where not even life’s worst tricks could break, not even bend, the love she had for him, a love that even if he was gone, kept her strong, a selfless kind of love.

He kept looking at the side of her face, watching the sudden breeze of air blow on her beautiful silky hair as he nodded to her. He didn’t know for sure, but something in what she made him feel gave him a hint. She shot him a fast smile, one that was forced on her lips as fast as it was rushed off of them but that in its short life it told him much more about her than those lips could pronounce. She would smile, even if she didn’t feel like it, even if she felt like her life had fallen apart, even if the love of her life and her father were dead, even if she was left alone with an 18 month old baby to raise, she would smile all the same, if she needed to, she’d smile forever.

“What?” he heard her murmur to herself and the both of them looked down to their hands, noticing a few rain drops there before synchronically looking up to the sky to notice the dark clouds that the soft breeze had brought along. She couldn’t believe that it had gone from hot sun rays to black clouds in the shortest second but he felt it in his chest and couldn’t help but to notice how her smile had gone and along with it, had gone the sun.

“We gotta run!” she squealed as she stood up. He watched her start to giggle again as soon as the thunder started and a few rain drops fell on her face.

“Ruby!” He heard her shout making him snap his head towards the little girl who was looking up with her mouth opened, apparently as excited about rain as her mom was. A loud thunder petrified both the mom and the baby’s faces and he acted on instinct, rushed towards the little girl and picked her up before running back and wrapping his other arm around Demi, feeling her squeal and let out a loud laugh as he ran inside with them in his arms under the sudden rain that damped them.

It took him about a minute to get them under the porch’s roof, and plenty chuckles in between, but for him it felt a lot longer, or maybe the feeling was too big to leave him immediately. The feeling of holding them in his arms under that rain, on that wet grass that smelled like home… it didn’t leave him, and as he laughed himself watching Demi wrap her arm around the squealing baby girl and smothering her with kisses, he knew, that the feeling wasn’t going anywhere.


	5. Five

_**Her** _

Pure sadness. A sadness that isn’t a simple, daily moment of fear and melancholy. A sadness that’s as pure as the first breath she relentlessly takes in every morning. Sadness as immaculate as the crystal clear water she bathes in to start her days, submerging her entire body under water to see if it’d wash away her pain. It was a despairing sadness, even if she was able to hide it down, because it was also a silent sadness, that only revealed itself in the pressure she felt over her chest when she remembered him, when she’d turn to her side in bed as the sun went up and didn’t find him there…when their baby started crying for no apparent reason and she knew it was because she was looking for him, without ever finding him or being able to understand where he had left… Sadness that broke her heart when she realized that her little girl would walk into life while holding on to that endless hopeless search.

She also knew that it would get better, and consequently, she knew it wasn’t all that bad, in the sense that, it could definitely be a lot worse. An in her most honest truth, she just kept going, she just kept waking up without him, and kept breathing in air that he would never breathe again and kept bathing in that water that didn’t cleanse her pain at all. She just kept going, because that’s what you do, life never stops, she could never stop, not even if she wanted to, it wasn’t about her life anymore, it was about Ruby’s, it was about her sweet little angel that had already lost too much, and even if she sometimes wanted to, she wouldn’t take anything else from her, never again.

“Baby, wake up bunny” she whispered as she ran a soothing hand up and down little Ruby’s back. The little baby squirmed as she was lying on her tummy and kicked her legs as a pout pushed out her red pacifier from her mouth. Demi sighed and shushed her as her hand kept rubbing her little back but baby girl still whined and turned on the bed, getting her torso up on her arms, looking around confused, very sleepy still, till her eyes landed on her mother’s smile, focusing on her sweet face past the locks of crazy bed hair that covered her little green eyes.

“Good morning…” Demi whispered and then giggled as her baby picked up her paci from between the mess of sheets around her, popped it in her little mouth and crawled to curl up into a little ball by her chest, her little hands wrapping around her neck as she pressed her knees against her stomach. She couldn’t help but to smile and take deep breaths as her baby had her morning cuddles. She patted her back in rhythm with the humming of her voice that she did for her little baby and for herself, going back into some sort of slumber for a little while until Ruby fully woke up and her endless energy took up her entire day.

“Momma” the little girl uttered a while later as she pushed herself away to look up at her mother and give her chest two gentle pats while looking up at her with those pleading green eyes. Demi gave her a smile and sat up to lean back on the headboard, pulling down the sheets and cover to open her arms wide for her little girl. Ruby grinned a sweet smile with two very separate little teeth showing but a whole lot of gums and stood up to toddle her way to her mother’s lap and then breast as she started nursing, feeling her mom hold her up against her chest with one arm and with  the other pull up the sheets to cover them again.

“Demi? Hey you guys, good morning” She heard a knock on the bedroom door and her mother call her name and immediately after walk in the room, not bothering to wait for her to reply and rushing to the bed to take a good look at her nursing granddaughter. Demi smiled to her mom, who seemed to be smiling more and more genuinely each day, specially to anything that had to do with Ruby. It made her feel better, having her mother look like she was healing and able to function properly and smile a true smile felt like some weight was being lifted off her shoulders, some of it at least.

“My littlest baby is enjoying her morning session isn’t she?” Dianna cooed as she pulled on the covers to reveal the little girl giggling into her mom’s breast. Demi smiled down to her baby and tickled her side a bit to distract her and pull up her shirt as Ruby sat up and gave her Nana a mischievous look before throwing herself into her arms.

“Well I see how easily I’m replaced” Demi faked a gasp reaching to tickle her baby’s side again making her giggle loudly once more. 

“She just knows who makes the best pancakes ever” Dianna smirked looking at the little girl in the eyes and watching her nod her head and point to her as she looked at the mother.

“I see, no more of mommy’s burnt pancakes for Ruby then” she mumbled as she looked away making Ruby frown but then let out a loud cackle as Demi turned to her and smiled big letting her know whatever had made her seemly upset was a joke. Demi sighed watching her mother pick the baby up and fix her on her hip before grabbing her baby bag from the corner chair. She pulled up the sheets and squirmed under the warm covers closing her eyes again.

“You should do more than sit on the backyard today… you could walk around for a bit? take Ruby out? Simon would love to go somewhere in town with you guys I’m sure, he adores this one” Dianna smiled as she made the little girl jump up on her arms a bit making her squeal. Demi sighed and shook her head to her mom before shooting her a pleading look. She didn’t want to talk about it. She didn’t want to give her reasons why she hadn’t left the house in the two weeks that had passed. She felt proud of herself for even sitting on their yard for hours, watching her baby run around as Simon and her chatted. But her mother wouldn’t find that as such a big deal because her mother had no idea of what really happened past her loving eyes and relentless smile.

“Alright but Demi, please try not to stay locked in this house for much longer, it will only get harder and sweetie I know you don’t need me to remind you but Ruby needs her mom back” she knew her mother hadn’t wanted to say it and she could already see the apologetic look on her eyes even before she said those words and practically accused her of not being there for her daughter. It hurt, not only did it hurt because of who it came from but because she had been too worried about her and precisely her daughter to even have enough energy to put herself together. It’s not like she hadn’t been there for her child, it’s not like she hadn’t helped her with the funeral and the guests and comforting her younger sister. She had been there, probably not fully, not entirely, definitely shattered and only breathing through her pieces but she had been there and it hurt too much to even acknowledge what her mother was trying to say.

“I am right here mom, I don’t even know what you are trying to say but if you have any problems with us staying here just say so and we’ll be gone” she uttered as she kicked the covers off and got up, immediately getting her pj’s pants on and starting to look for some clean underwear on her drawers. She was too hurt and too mad to even fight her mother, she didn’t want to fight her or make her change her mind regarding what she was clearly wrong about, she didn’t have the energy, she just wanted her out of her sight so she could pull herself together because she was clearly falling apart, as fast as her chest tightened like a blind knot and painfully reminded her that there was no Joshua to comfort her, and there was no dad’s arms to run to.

“I’m sorry” she heard her mother sniff and noticed she was still standing there. She frowned snapping her head towards her watching her tears roll down.

“Momma” Ruby pouted as she noticed her grandma’s tears and she saw her child stretch her arms out to her, already about to cry herself.

“Mom, what’s this about” she whispered as she got her child from her and let her rest her head on her shoulder as she looked at her mother confused.

“I just don’t- I don’t know how to help you, I know you haven’t left her, I just don’t want you to get even more depressed Demi, you need to go out there and sort out your life, maybe get a job, a daycare for Ruby to meet some more kids or I can look after her but the point is that life goes on sweetie, you can’t keep it from happening, not even by staying locked in this house, he’s not here anymore Demi, what are you holding on to so tightly here?” she looked into her mother’s glistening eyes and couldn’t, for her life, find some sort of sense in what she was saying.

Sure it did have some sort of logic, but that wasn’t true, he was there, he was still there and she felt him everywhere, in the walls, in the floors, in the light that went in through the cracks of the old wooden back door, in the taste of her mother’s cooking and the sour smell of burnt coffee in the mornings. He was there, and if she walked in his old office and looked at his chair for long enough, she’s see him there, her dad was there, it felt like him, and whatever felt like him she needed to hold on to.

“Like I said, if you want me to leave I’ll leave, but don’t say that daddy’s gone, that he isn’t here because he is here, he’s all over, he’s everywhere, and I’m not ready to leave him, I’m not ready to be on my own with my child, I need him, I need him here, I need Josh! I need them both- I can’t- it’s too hard- I- maybe he’s not here, maybe he’s gone but- it feels like him here and I don’t want to leave, I’m not ready to leave him mom, I feel like if I leave, I won’t ever be able to find him again, and I’ll live knowing that I will never get that piece of me back… I’ll be looking for him all over, in everything and in everyone, Josh is always with me because- he gave me her but- daddy’s just- he can’t be gone!”

The sorrow in her voice was finally matching how it felt on the inside. Her voice broke and loud, barely human sounds came from the depths of her throat. Her mother barely made it to catch her as she fell on her knees, with her baby sobbing in her arms too. Her tears kept falling, one after the other, and she felt like it would never stop, her tears would never stop coming one after the other, in useless hopes to meet, just like she felt every second since her dad died, like she was chasing after him in an endless labyrinth that smelled like him and felt like him but that would never be him again, no matter how fast she ran.

“He’s gone, Demi, baby girl… daddy’s gone” she heard her mother whisper in her ear as she held her tightly against her chest, letting her sob against her like she was her little girl again, and even if for a moment, she allowed her to take her into her arms and keep her safe, and keep her still, with no need to run in search for those other sets of arms that used to be where she belonged.

*

She felt his eyes on her and for a second she asked herself why he did that, why was he always doing that, and she also asked herself why it didn’t bother her, why it felt like some sort of comfort instead of an annoyance, and if she really wanted to look at it like she really didn’t know who he was, then she could probably be expected to feel crept out, at the end of the day no matter who he was, he was old enough to be her father yet treated her like she was his pair, like she felt just as much as he felt, like she knew just as much as he knew and ignored the same amount of infinities… but she knew who he was, maybe not on words, maybe she couldn’t name his favorite color and food but she knew who he was, and she felt it that first day he had stood on their walkway and she had run to him and jumped on his arms like she used to do when she was a little girl, like time hadn’t changed anything, when it certainly had.

She looked up at him as they sat on the backyard, her hands pulling on the poor grass that had done nothing to her but that she still pulled out and fondled in between her fingers. They had been sitting there for at least ten minutes and neither had said a word and would only laugh out loud as they watched her little girl toddle around the dogs, mastering the art of falling and getting up again, fall after fall. She’d get lost looking at her, watching the dogs lick her face and hearing her giggle that irresistible baby giggle that both made her smile but broke her heart.

It had been officially three months, that exact day, three months before she had gotten that call, that one that every wife dreads, that one you can never imagine surviving but that you can feel coming,  it’s like some sort of instinct talks to you through  the despairing ring of the landline at two in the morning, the hospital desk person asking you to come right away, that he’s been rushed in, a car accident, and your heart stops and your ears start throbbing as you drive fast, your baby wailing on the backseat, your heart hammering against your chest, faster and faster until you get there, and you realize your instinct was right when it told you that that was it and that he would never come home again, and then it all stops.

“Demi” she heard him speak in a tone louder than his regular. She then realized as she looked at him and noticed his frown that she hadn’t been listening. she had been lost in her head, and in her heart, and only fully snapped out of it once she felt his thumb brush across her cheek, wiping the tears she had shed without even realizing it. She gave him a smile, a small one but a genuine one that he seemed to appreciate when he smiled back. She sniffed and looked down to her hands, starting to pull on the grass again as she felt his hand rub her back up and down. She pursed her lips before looking at him again and meeting his eyes, her smile breaking into a chuckle as he did the same.

“You are one special man” she blurted watching him frown and shake his head to the sides with a smile on his lips.

“Well you are to me, you’re daddy’s age right? but you’re here, you’re kinda sweet and so gentle, and sensible, like I don’t even know how you, at 50, can get me at 25. widow with an almost two year old but you do… you’ve been such great support for us, we needed that, we needed you, and you’re here, you play dolls with my child and you make her bottles yet I’m sure you have a fancy house and life back in London” she was ranting, and he noticed but she didn’t, she felt too comfortable around him to even take the time to think of what she was saying. It was all the truth anyways, he had stayed with them, he hadn’t left their side for a single second since he got there the day after the ceremony and even if she appreciated it, it made him an even bigger incognito for her.

“Well if those are all good things than thank you? and it’s precisely because I’m older that I can understand you” she smiled at him and then smirked.

“I know, but not  all old people get it” she teased, making an obvious emphasis on the old part of it. He shook his head and pushed on her shoulder gently but with enough strength to make her fall back. She let her body fall and a giggle brusted out of her naturally as she reached his hand and squeezed it, looking up to the light blue sky as she stopped laughing and her breathing went back down. She didn’t let go of his hand but she was not oblivious of it then, she knew that the way she would find her way to his hands on such random moments was just as weird as his eyes on her all the time were, but it was a kind of weird that he didn’t seem to question so why would she?

“Ruby!” she then heard him shout. She lifted herself up on her elbows and looked at her child with her hand full of mud on her mouth. She shook her head as the baby gave Simon a gummy grin, already used to him calling her attention and trying to avoid his scolding eyes with that smile. She had to laugh at her baby’s cuteness and that man’s genuine care, it was adorable to see, it warmed her heart and it just gave her heart peace to see her baby having fun when in her mind she felt guilty, for everything her baby would miss, for everyone she had already lost, for the things she had failed at protecting her from.

“She loves you” she finally told him and looked at him as he nodded his head and gave her a short smile. She wanted to know more, she wanted to ask so many questions but didn’t know which ones would we welcomed. She didn’t want to push him away, whatever they had, she didn’t want it to be ripped from her as well. She didn’t think much of it, she wanted to be realistic about it, he was just her dad’s old friend, her favorite fake uncle ever, but his presence had brought along so many memories and emotions she could hardly hold herself away from his arms, arms that had held her before, back when she was just a young girl with no real worries and an a stupid crush on him.

“So did you have any kids? wife?” she dared to ask. Not that she’d mind, of course not, he probably had kids of his own and a wife waiting back home? if he was anything like her dad, he must’ve build a beautiful family, he felt like he could be that man, he had all it took yet he was there with them, he hadn’t even spoken about going back home in almost three weeks and it made her wonder why, she knew he missed her dad, she knew he was hurting just as much as she was but he still needed a reason to stay and an even bigger reason not to go back home. She looked at the side of his face for a moment and gave him a smile when he laid eyes on her face and gave her a small smile back yet didn’t answer her question.

“So?” she asked him trying not to laugh but then had to frown. He looked like he hadn’t heard her at all and that was new for her, he was good at listening, he was good at understanding, but she guessed he wasn’t good at talking about himself, or thinking about it for that matter since he seemed to have blocked it all out.

“Huh?”

“I asked if you had any children, or if you got married, I don’t know, I don’t know much about you anymore” she repeated looking at his confused face before looking down. It was absolutely idiotic of her to feel bad about that, about the fact that she pretty much didn’t know a thing about him, that he probably meant a lot more to her than she did to him, she was just his dead best friend’s child, an ugly and depressed one at that, and it sucked to think of it, it bothered so much that she knew nothing about him, who he loved, who he lived for, whom he’d die for.

“I never had any children… I got married a few years after I moved back to England… we lasted two years” he barely mumbled it but she still heard it and it made her snap her head up and look into his eyes. She nodded giving him a short smile before looking back down and going back to ripping off the grass under her legs. He had no kids, and he hadn’t had a wife in years, it told her nothing about him really, other than he was this beautiful person that had nobody. Maybe he still loved that woman, or maybe he never had but either way, he looked like he resented the subject, like it somehow bothered him but answered her questions anyway, for the sake of her.

“Did you love her? she asked him and forced her eyes on his. He kept sighing loudly and she knew she should probably stop but out of all the questions she had, that one was the one she needed to hear the answer to the most. She wanted to know if he had loved her, if he still did, and subconsciously figure out why it was that she felt so attached to him yet so far from who he really was.

“I think I did but I-”

“It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me” she whispered out in a sigh and reached for his hand on his knee. She found herself squeezing his hand again and almost pulled away but she didn’t want to, and she quickly decided it didn’t matter if he had loved her, if he had loved at all of he still did. It didn’t matter why he was there and why wasn’t he leaving, what mattered was that he wasn’t going anywhere yet and it comforted her, and after three months of pain, she wasn’t going to turn her back on a little bit of gentleness and a strong hand under hers.

Then he asked her about him. He asked her if she had loved him very much and her heart broke all over again. She nodded her head immediately. Of course she loved him very much, she loved him more than anything or anyone ever before. She only loved Ruby as much as she had loved him, and still did, she was still in love with him, and it felt like she would always be. She had loved him so much and so well. She had given him everything she thought he needed, among those things, a warm place to come home to and the most beautiful child she had ever seen. She had given him all the love she had, every last inch of her heart was his and if she could have, there was no doubt in her mind that she would’ve given him the very last drop of the blood running through her veins to save him, but she never got that chance.

She smiled at the memory of him, and it made Simon smile too buts she knew he saw her, he saw right through her, and though she felt vulnerable and naked around him, it was a good feeling, to feel like she wasn’t all that alone after all, that someone still knew her like her dad and Joshua had, and that if the moment of too much darkness came and blinded her… he would see her.

*

“Just do it, dude for an old man you’re not being smart” she giggled as she pulled the towel she had handed him and started rubbing it herself on his head, drying it off. She watched as Ruby giggled on his lap with her bottle on her hands. She had taken a quick shower with her baby after their little fun in the rain. She couldn’t take the smile off her face and in any other situation she would’ve felt guilty about it, but not when she was under the warm water with her baby in her arms, hearing her cackle loudly. She was back to being that happy baby she had always been, and she couldn’t help but to think it had to do with him.

“Alright there brat, enough” he laughed as he pushed her hands away and dried off his hair himself. She just laughed and pulled her child to her arms. She sat on the couch opposite to his chair and shook her head.

“Simon take a shower, you’re wet and it’s cold and you-”

“Your motherly impulses are crazy” he blurted interrupting her making her frown but then laugh loudly making him chuckle as well.

“A-hole” she half cursed covering her baby’s ears as baby girl leaned back on her chest suckling on her bottle.

“Fine, I’ll go shower if we can go out and grab some ice cream” he dared looking at her with a weird look on his face that made her giggle but then look at him through narrowed eyes.

“You’ve been talking to my mother” she sighed out making him cringe and then nod his head.

“And here I was thinking you’d be on my side” she mumbled bitterly as she fixed her baby across her lap and let her snuggle up to her to take her afternoon nap.

“I know it’s too soon, I’ve told her that, but Ice cream won’t hurt and it will be nice for Ruby to go out yes?” he suggested making an effort to sound convincing. She sighed and looked into his eyes. She hated that he was doing that, he was supposed to be pure comfort not another to push her towards moving on when she could barely breathe when she thought of leaving the house.

“Hey… just for a little while, and then we come back, I wanna walk around town a bit, I haven’t been here in forever, do it for me” he insisted making her shoot him a glare and roll her eyes before she reluctantly nodded to him, watching him smile and make his way upstairs before lifting her baby up to press her lips against her forehead, giving herself some much needed comfort, comfort she never seemed to fulfill other than when she was with him and though she had been ignoring it, too busy fighting the sadness that attacked her every morning, she then knew he had a power over her that both soothed but terrified her.


End file.
